Judith Martin, of Miss Manners newspaper fame, wrote in a recent column, "Question: At what age should children be taught how to eat properly? Answer: In their mid-to late-twenties. Question: What is the best venue for this instruction?
Answer: Graduate school in business administration. However, if they have entered the business world directly, it becomes the responsibility of their employers to teach them. These are not Miss Manners' answers," she continues, "They are society's."1
What used to be taught in homes across America before children entered school seems to have gone the way of homemade bread and strawberry jam. And the confidence of knowing how to act in public may have gone with it.
Each semester in my communications classes I include a module on manners. This module has proven extremely popular with students, who often express gratitude for learning to approach social situations where they feel awkward under the scrutiny of strangers.
According to a recent poll by The Creative Group, 4 percent of executives thought today's professionals were more courteous than they were a decade ago, compared with 40 percent who think professionals are less courteous.2 So, unfold those napkins and let's examine the basics of eating, tipping, dressing, thanking, and winning friends. Because, first impressions can and do make a difference.
Eating properly
Like my students, I dislike making mistakes in public and fear the judgment of those who clearly must know more than I do. I first felt anxious about my manners when I was twelve and attended a formal dinner. I'm from a small town in southern Utah, the youngest of six children. My family raised five thousand chickens at a time and my parents belonged to the Utah Poultry and Farmer's Cooperative. The co-op's annual convention was held in Salt Lake City at the Hotel Utah, a five-star hotel. I realize something about that organization and the hotel doesn't seem like it quite goes together, but trust me, this happened. Because I was the only child still at home, my parents took me to the banquet.
I sat down to my first formal dinner. The silverware stretched out on both sides of the plate, so I whispered to my mother, "What do I use?" She whispered back, "Watch me." I remember being so grateful I could trust her to lead me correctly.
How can we learn about using the right fork and other things? Here's a laundry list: Get a good book on etiquette. Read it. Watch people you admire as they eat. Practice with friends and family. Sit up straight. Don't talk with your mouth full. If you're in a meal-time interview or business meeting, remember the least important thing going on is eating. Study your flatware and use it from the outside in.
I facetiously say I judge a person's manners by how they manage their dinner roll. You should never use a knife to saw through your roll. Instead, break the roll, small enough that you have a little piece in your hand, then butter only that piece, leaving your knife on the butter plate. If a restaurant serves a loaf of bread, slice it with the knife and let it function just like a roll: break it, butter it, and bite.
Another mealtime rule: if you're being served, don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. At a large banquet, one entrée or another may not make it at exactly the same time. If you're sitting at a table of eight and six people have been served, a person who has not been served should say to the others, "Please go ahead; your food will get cold." Only then should you begin to eat. Don't leave the table if someone is still finishing their meal, especially if the food was late. At the end of a meal don't fold up a napkin so it looks unused, and put it back where it was. Instead gather the napkin in the middle and leave it crumpled on the side of your plate. An important part of the eating process is good conversation. Knowing the right thing to say and how to say it has put us all on the spot from time to time. Practical advice? Speak well of others. Remember names and use them. Carry three ideas that will start a conversation like: Tell me about—your family, your job, your hobbies, your car, your dreams. Eliminate any negative talk from your vocabulary. Don't even think about whether a stranger wants to get to know you. It's enough that you want to get to know them. Be confident but not overbearing. Remember, your purpose is to make others comfortable. Social skills get easier with practice.
Tipping
Many people are unaware that minimum wage for waiting tables is barely more than $2 an hour. Those who hate tipping often change their opinion once they understand how little a server earns. The United States tips differently from the rest of the world, where tips are included in the bill. But, this is the way our culture chose to do it.
A common tipping misconception happens when people want to punish a server for a mistake or poor service by leaving a small tip. In reality the server may not have been responsible for the problem. The place to make a difference in the server's abilities is to contact the manager or speak to the maitre d', but tipping isn't the time or place to punish. Restaurant tips ought to be 17 to 20 percent. In a city like New York or Chicago, a 25 percent tip is more appropriate.
Dressing for success from the inside out
I watch our culture become ever less concerned about dress. I like comfortable clothing as much as anyone. And, I firmly believe that what is on the inside is far more important than what is on the outside. Yet, I've come to understand that what we put on the outside says something about the inside—about our regard for what we are doing. All you have to make a first impression is what's visible. If you can make good on the first impression, you get the opportunity to be around long enough to make other impressions. Studies indicate that it takes as little as three seconds to develop an impression, and as long as five years to change an opinion.4 Make sure you make the best impression you can. Once somebody gets to know and love you, they’ll love you no matter what. They’ll even forgive a number of errors. But you don’t have that luxury at first.
I’m not suggesting we dress up all the time; I am suggesting we dress appropriately for the occasion. But evaluating the importance of an occasion seems to be where we fall short. When deciding what to wear to a party or banquet, look at the invitation. How’s the invitation done? Does it come asking for an RSVP? Does it say banquet as opposed to dinner? There ought to be clues. If it’s a barbecue, then it’s more casual than a banquet. If you’re still unsure, contact the person responsible for preparing the event and ask, “What’s the expected dress?” They’ll be more than happy to tell you. There’s no reason to feel self-conscious—you should enjoy yourself and not feel underdressed or overdressed.
Practical suggestions: Dress neatly and appropriately. Good grooming matters. It’s better to own one item of good quality than two of lesser quality. Dress for the job you want not for the job you have. Polish your shoes. Add substantial basic pieces to your wardrobe every year. When you’re presenting, dress one step above your audience. For example, if they are in t-shirts, wear a shirt with a collar. If they’re wearing collars, put a tie on. If they have ties, put on a jacket. For black-tie events, do your best to match the formal wear.
Saying thank you and other nice things
While serving as Laurel advisor in my ward, I decided to complete the requirements for the new personal progress program along with the young women I led. One requirement I chose comes back to me again and again. It instructed, “For two weeks make a special effort to treat others with respect. On at least five occasions, be especially kind and respectful to family members, teachers, policemen, waitresses, sales clerks, custodians, nurses, doctors, or others.”
I happened to be traveling during the two weeks I worked on this requirement. I made a special effort to think about the people who were serving me—the flight attendants who gave me refreshment, the pilot whose skill and experience brought us across many miles, the hotel shuttle driver who maneuvered through traffic in a strange city. I was careful to thank each one and mean it. I smiled at them more. I was less demanding and more thoughtful of their work.
Thanking them had a profound effect on me. In fact, every time I’ve traveled since, I think about the people I meet who expedite my journey, and I’m grateful again for their services.
How can we apply the principle of saying thank you and other nice things? Determine to treat all Heavenly Father’s children with respect. Remember handwritten notes are treasures to be looked at more than once. Write a thank-you note after being a guest at dinner or after receiving a favor. Consider thanking someone you don’t even know for a speech you heard, a convention they organized, or a book they wrote. Write a note of congratulations on a promotion, achievement, or a milestone reached. Write a note of encouragement to a friend or colleague after an illness, hospital stay, or difficult time. Write a letter of apology whenever it is necessary. Learn to say “you’re welcome” instead of “no problem.” Realize it’s never too late to say thank you.
How to win friends
“Good manners are invisible. They ease the way for others without drawing attention to themselves.” –Lynne Truss6
I’m often asked, “When somebody gives you wine as a gift, what do you do?” You thank them graciously, set it aside, and later give it away, but you should be gracious in accepting it. Remember, your responsibility is to make the other person feel comfortable.
The biggest pitfall LDS business people face is when they are put in situations where things are happening contrary to our beliefs. For example, a cocktail party or going to the bar after work. Spending time in bars is so foreign to us, but people think we’re looking down on them when they invite us and we say, “Oh no, I wouldn’t be able to do that.” It’s probably beneficial to go and drink pop or to attend a cocktail party where business is done.
Reach out to people and carry something in your hand. Elder L. Tom Perry tells a wonderful story about a cocktail party he attended. He walked into the kitchen and said, “Give me whatever you have that looks the least like liquor.” He carried a glass of milk around the rest of the evening. He said it was the most important cocktail party he’d ever been to because he did some valuable things for his work.
It’s important to let others know we’re great people even though we don’t drink liquor. I have visited places all over this world and have never been pressured in any way to drink liquor. Business associates respect my beliefs, and I try to respect their beliefs as well. For example, I would not sit down at a meal with my Muslim or Jewish friends and eat pork. And often when they sit down at a meal with me, they don’t drink liquor.
Along these lines: learn about other cultures. Search the Internet for information about business customs around the world. I worry a little bit because so much business is done the American way. We must be careful not to expect everybody else to bow to us. Be aware that others may be better informed about our business practices than we are about theirs. Do your homework—about their cultural preferences, the way they eat, those sorts of things.
Something about the gospel of Jesus Christ should make us approachable and inviting because we’re trying to be like our Savior. Make people feel comfortable—always work at it. It will take the focus off you. Being formal is not cold, it’s still being comfortable; it’s knowing the rules that guide situations. Understanding and applying these rules gives us confidence to handle the situations encountered in the business world.
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About the Speaker
Kaye Terry Hanson is an assistant professor of organizational leadership and strategy. She earned her BA, MA, and PhD at BYU. This article is adapted from Hanson’s speech given 2 December 2004. Reprinted by permission of the Harold B. Lee Library’s House of Learning Lecture Series © 2004.
Notes:
- Judith Martin. Deseret Morning News, 6 January 2004.
- Nancy Feig. “Mind Your Manners: Etiquette in the Workplace” February 2005, Community Banker.
- Letitia Baldrige. Letitia Baldrige’s New Complete Guide to Executive Manners, p. 62.
- Pam Harvit. “Mind Your Manners: Making a Date with Etiquette” Sunday Gazette, Charelston, West Virginia, 15 February 2005.
- Emilie Le Beau. “Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude” Chicago Tribune, 15 February 2005.
- Lynne Truss. Eats, Shoots and Leaves, p. 7.
- Amanda Nelson. “Email Etiquette” Corpus Christi Caller-Times, 7 February 2005.
- Dennis Wilcox. Public Relations Writing and Media Techniques, 5th Ed., p. 26.
- phoneybusiness.com/etiquette.html.
